27/31 - The house is all packed boxes and found lost things and bags of clothes to donate and nothing to eat. My memories are packed in the boxes too because it's too painful to have them around. I'm just doing what I always do, walking on without looking back. Seeing the beach days to come. The little shack to call home. The cafe dates with my girl and the independence and the new friendships and the happy hard work. I know somewhere deep down I beckoned this change and I'm excited for everything that's coming. 🌊☀️
25/31 - When friends stop by our misty forest home for tea. I lay awake last night missing this place already, goodbyes can be hard. ☕️☁️
23/31 - Working with friends is always better. I wish we could all work together and this silly distance thing wasn’t really a thing. Maybe we should all plan to meet up when we’re living in a digital world in the cloud. If you were here, what would you be working on?
20/31 - It's raining most days and the trees outside are bursting with green. Sometimes I feel obsessed by the loose strings, the missed connections, the paths I didn't walk. I speak to my friend until midnight and he says, "I wish I could see all the alternate ways things could be", and I say I wish I could live them all. There's this song Klara wrote that goes, 'there's so many lives that I could lead.' And I think of that line a lot. Sometimes I feel stuck. Other times I know it's all perspective. I have this urge to wring from life all the colour and feeling and depth. To wear my heart on my sleeve, to taste the rain, to love too many people, to cry in the cinema, to throw my phone into the sea, to write all night long. Several people have mentioned my break up as a 'plot twist' which makes me laugh. Through writing about my life it has become a kind of novel, which is reassuring when I imagine the new chapter waiting behind the goodbyes.
18/31 - Best friends, Indie & Millie. 🎥👭
16/31 - I'm heading to the city for the weekend to shoot a film project so today I made a thousand phone calls, organised a million things and packed my backpack. In my years of travelling I've always loved packing. Even when I spent years living out of a suitcase. I have this geeky project called 'ever packed' where I have a backpack (short trips) and a little suitcase (long trips) always packed and ready to go. I'm still perfecting it, but I can pack so quickly now. Since I always get lots of questions, here's everything that's going into my backpack for this trip. My Macbook Pro, my volt planner (to keep me organised), a mini moleskin (to capture ideas), a blue pouch with my cords, batteries + SD cards, a mushroom pouch with my toiletries, wireless headphones, my iphone, my beloved kindle, a clothes pouch, my camera + another lens and my water bottle. Not pictured: My wallet, oops. Probably need that one. 🙈
14/31 - Alba gave me this tattoo and took this photo today. It's pretty cute to see her holding my giant camera up to take portraits. At first I was certain I wouldn't share this even though I quite like it (oh my, so much skin) but on later reflection I realised if I'm going to wear titles like genuine and brave then I should at least act the part and post whatever the heck I want. I've always worried too much about what people think. When I posted that self portrait a few days ago I almost deleted it a second later, I'm glad I didn't. So here it is, my frizzy post-beach hair and pale almost-bum and Alba's beautiful little patterns. ✨It's going to be hard leaving this forest home where we can wander around naked on hot days. 🌞
12/31 - Today I couldn't figure out what to photograph. So I photographed me. 🌸⚡️
A new journal entry on my blog. [Link in profile.] "I am lost in my life. There is a feeling that my toes just skim the surface of my reality. I’m in some kind of limbo. Here in the last weeks in our forest home, the last weeks with my love, the last weeks before some great wide expanse of unknown. I wish I had some certainty, a home we could call our own instead of a handful of maybes. I should be used to it by now, but this time Alba has school and our belongings don’t just fit into a few suitcases anymore. I remember when my grief came in waves so close together I could barely catch my breath. They’re much further apart now, but when they come every wall I’ve built against the pain is torn down instantly. The injustice of it all makes me want to kick and scream like a child, I lost my only brother and now I mourn every single day of the future I will never have with him. Heartbreak comes in waves too. Mostly I live in a cocoon of softness, my little family is still my little family. Then I look down at my hand in Bee’s hand and I realise the time is coming where his body won’t feel like an extension of my own any more. Where I won’t nap to the sound of Alba and Bee playing. Where I will have to face all my challenges alone again. I pray he will stay around, but how can I know? He would be forever on the road if he could and I don’t blame him."
10/31 - "Take a picture of me meditating mama!”
I'm casting for 3 sets of close friends in Brisbane or the Sunshine Coast aged between 15-19 for a small film project I'm directing next week. There’s no acting involved but you should be able to be you in front of a camera. 💁🏼📷 We'll only be shooting for 3-4 hours and it's PAID! I can't say too much yet, but it's a really beautiful project on friendship and love. If that is you (and you have yours and your friend's parent's permission - if you need) email me photos, your instagram handles (if you have insta) and a little about your friendship. hellonirrimi@gmail.com 👯✨💞
6/31 - Here is a goofy picture Bee took of me working from our local cafe/florist today. I felt so good and happy in this moment because I’d ran, done yoga, written in my journal, planned my day and had a cold shower all before heading out to work. Most mornings we all meditate for 10 minutes before school too. These daily routines have been keeping me sane in the midst of waves of emotion and I am so grateful for them. I’ve been a little obsessed by routines and rituals lately. Do you guys have daily routines? ✨
4/31 - I lay in bed for hours and hours last night, wishing my thoughts and fears would be quiet just long enough for me to sleep. I woke to a Sunday full of sunshine and sudden, delicious rain showers and free time to laze about and bake and cuddle and plan my week. I always do my weekly planning on Sundays; at my desk with a nice pen and my planner, dreaming about all I want to accomplish in the coming week. As I brushed Alba's hair she whined about her knots and so I said, as I often do, "If your knots really bother you, you can get a hair cut." And for the first time she grinned and said, "Yes! I want hair like yours!" So we sat on the balcony and I cut her hair just like mine and she was happy and I was happy. ✨
Today was a rough day but then this little one pulled out a pack of sparklers my mum had bought to celebrate Zake's birthday and it lit up all the dark spaces in my heart. ✨ 2/31
All of my dreams about Zake since his death have taken place in our childhood. But last night, almost a year later, I finally dreamt of him as an adult. The moment I saw him I was overwhelmed with joy, I wanted to run and hug him tightly. But I knew he was gone and the miracle seemed so fragile I needed to act like everything was normal. He was with a friend and I was writing, silently soaking in the sound of his laughter and his voice. I'd sneak looks at him whenever I could but if I looked too long he would begin to disappear at the edges, until he'd lose whole limbs and I'd have to look away again in fear that he would disappear. I really longed for that hug, but last night just being near him was enough. 💔❤️
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