Reunited πŸ’‘πŸ‘¨β€πŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§
Mother's Day called for native flowers and epic blueberry pancake feasts with my homemade salted caramel sauce πŸ‘ŒπŸΌ I was on the other side of the country to my own mum, so I made this for Bee's mum instead. She's always given me so much, even when Bee and I weren't together and she had no reason to. So here's to good mums like her and like mine. πŸ’žβœ¨
AD
Last night I stood beneath the sky as it stretched its arms wide above me. The moon was growing full. Stars were hand poked between moonlit clouds patterned like cheetah's spots over dark velvet. It caught my breath. It was magnificent and it was just there above me. Painted across everything so perfectly and so unassuming. There was no man in a suit charging me to gaze up at this giant masterpiece, no lines to wait in to see it, no crowds staring up in awe alongside me. Just me in the backyard on the wet grass with my neck craned for so long it began to hurt, willing myself to believe in the immensity of the universe. Not just believe in it but feel it, in my bones. Today I sat in a cafe writing in my journal. My writing scrawled across the page in a secret hope my fears and flaws might hide behind the messy marks, illegible to anyone but me. But I stopped the pen and I paused the mess of my thoughts, letting them still. I wrote carefully, the ink dancing as I wrote the paragraph above about the sky. I forgot how beautiful my handwriting could be and how much loveliness there was in that very simple act. I felt the sun pierce through my jeans and the weight of my body here on the earth. I knew that the magic of everything wasn't waiting for me somewhere in the future, it was here and it was simple. I wish I could feel this presence always but the truth is I'm only just breaking through the surface of the water after a long time beneath it. I don't know how long it'll be until I'm sinking again, all I know is I'll always be falling in and coming out and on and on and on until I die. Just like everyone else. So for now I'll savour the air and the light and I'll remember why I'm alive.
Little festival dreamer. 😴
Around this time last year Bee was coming home from his first day of work in our new town and Mum was calling me to tell me my little brother had hung himself a few hours ago. Last night was the roughest night in a very long time. I had my family over for a deathday party for Zake, but I could feel the world crushing in on me as the night wore on. I missed Zake and I missed Bee too, the one who always helped me lift the weight of grief. My mind was a scary place, I lost control of my thoughts. I lay awake rigid and heart racing until around the time he killed himself, close to sunrise. But I got through the night snuggled beside my two cousins and Alba. Grateful to not be left alone with the big scary monster that is grief and anxiety and immense longing. I miss my little brother, every fucking day. It was always us, and in my heart it still is. Happy 1st Deathday Zake, I'd have gotten you a present but you'd never use it anyway... πŸ˜‚πŸŽ‰πŸŽˆπŸŽ
I've been quietly feeling a lot lately. Around this time last year Zake left this world and just days ago Bee left our little family to go back to Perth. Even with my daughter and my best friend around I sometimes feel profoundly lonely and heartbroken. Everything feels wrapped in an extra layer of hurt and challenge. But I'm okay. I'm living in this cosy little shack by the sea for a while, I'll focus on my work and rise from the ashes just like always. πŸ’– PS: If there are any creative Sunshine Coast humans who'd like a friend to work beside at beachside cafes, I'm your girl. I could use some more friends right now. β˜ΊοΈπŸ™πŸΌ
31/31 - As I end this daily photo challenge, we say goodbye to our home in the forest and shortly (after a much deserved camping trip) say hello to a lil shack by the sea. Sometimes I feel too many feels to write, this is one of those times. We're ready though . πŸŒŠβ˜€οΈπŸ‘©β€πŸ‘§
30/31 - The cyclone swept through our tiny town and took our power, water & reception along with it. School was off, Bee's work was cancelled. For three days we lit candles, skimmed rain water from the tops of the tanks and read paper books in the sun. After that second day our screens were long forgotten and life felt really real. Like childhood real; where you can smell the trees and feel the curves of the wind and want to lie in the grass watching insects. I didn't feel so desperate to be busy working, I knew there were a few insistent emails in my inbox but there was little I could do. We bathed in the sea and saw giant trees laying still across fields. The lake at the end of the street lapped at the road. We watched a wood pigeon hunt grasshoppers in our garden. Bee lit fires to heat water for tea. One night I came out of the bedroom to find this scene Alba had laid out on the living room floor. Her animals and fairies were warming themselves by a bonfire. πŸ”₯πŸ…πŸˆπŸŽ
27/31 - The house is all packed boxes and found lost things and bags of clothes to donate and nothing to eat. My memories are packed in the boxes too because it's too painful to have them around. I'm just doing what I always do, walking on without looking back. Seeing the beach days to come. The little shack to call home. The cafe dates with my girl and the independence and the new friendships and the happy hard work. I know somewhere deep down I beckoned this change and I'm excited for everything that's coming. πŸŒŠβ˜€οΈ
26/31 - Caught me some wild children by the river yesterday. 🐊 Being with these happy muddy kids while Alba refused to get dirty, reminded me of how I used to be. Always the girl with her head buried in a book somewhere quiet, cringing at the thought of sand on my bare feet, let alone mud. Parenting is difficult. I feel this great desire to push Alba toward all the things I think are good for her, but she is her own person with her own mind. Often I just have to let go and remember that little bookworm who would have hated if her mother dragged her out into the mud. The little girl who was underestimated.
24/31 - I've been wanting to share this for a long time. This pendant is filled with my brother's ashes. Our mum works with glass and makes the most incredible things. She made pendants with his ash for everyone who deeply loved him. She's a pretty wonderful human. Now he's never very far away. She even does commissions sometimes. If you've lost someone close, you might be able to get a pendant too - impopia@gmail.com ✨
21/31 - This morning I was playing back a song to Alba and Bee that I’d written last night. As I listened I felt embarrassed and said aloud that it was actually quite terrible. Alba interrupted me, β€œI love all your songs mama. None of them are bad. They are all beautiful.” It made me realise how silly I was being, who was I comparing myself to anyway? I don't need some ridiculously good voice or guitar skills to write music from my heart. If the little person I love most loves my music, I'm happy. She makes me realise a lot of things this kind hearted girl. πŸ’ž
19/31 - Lovers, Yani & Ben. πŸŽ₯πŸ’
17/31 - Best friends Tabitha & Alice. Day one directing this film project. So exhausted I'm not sure I can manage a thoughtful caption today. Just... 😴
15/31 - 'I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted.' β€”Jack Kerouac. Photo by @chrisbeecroft
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