I've been quietly feeling a lot lately. Around this time last year Zake left this world and just days ago Bee left our little family to go back to Perth. Even with my daughter and my best friend around I sometimes feel profoundly lonely and heartbroken. Everything feels wrapped in an extra layer of hurt and challenge. But I'm okay. I'm living in this cosy little shack by the sea for a while, I'll focus on my work and rise from the ashes just like always. πŸ’– PS: If there are any creative Sunshine Coast humans who'd like a friend to work beside at beachside cafes, I'm your girl. I could use some more friends right now. β˜ΊοΈπŸ™πŸΌ
When we say goodbye in a few days I don't want to be torn apart. I don't want the weight of our lost hopes and the cyclone of memories to tear me into pieces. I don't want tears and hugs that hurt when they end and the early sharp ache of loss. I just want a quick hug and a "bye." I want to pretend this is nothing. Just another friend I'll see again soon. That's all I want. πŸ™πŸΌ
30/31 - The cyclone swept through our tiny town and took our power, water & reception along with it. School was off, Bee's work was cancelled. For three days we lit candles, skimmed rain water from the tops of the tanks and read paper books in the sun. After that second day our screens were long forgotten and life felt really real. Like childhood real; where you can smell the trees and feel the curves of the wind and want to lie in the grass watching insects. I didn't feel so desperate to be busy working, I knew there were a few insistent emails in my inbox but there was little I could do. We bathed in the sea and saw giant trees laying still across fields. The lake at the end of the street lapped at the road. We watched a wood pigeon hunt grasshoppers in our garden. Bee lit fires to heat water for tea. One night I came out of the bedroom to find this scene Alba had laid out on the living room floor. Her animals and fairies were warming themselves by a bonfire. πŸ”₯πŸ…πŸˆπŸŽ
29/31 - Today I felt like the worst parent on earth. In the morning as we got ready for school Alba told me, "My tummy is sore, I don't think I can go to school today," and I waved it away, because she's often saying so but hasn't been sick in over a year. I said, "Just see how you go and if you're really sick in a little while tell your teacher and she can call Mama and I'll come get you." I had a terrible aimless day, struggling with my anxiety and breathing. I worried about Alba a bit and I had my phone by me all day just incase. When it was time to get Alba I ran through the school to her classroom, feeling uneasy. When I got in she was fast asleep on her backpack on the floor. My little tiny girl all curled up and fragile. The teacher said, "We've tried calling you both all day but we couldn't get through, she's been sick. She hasn't eaten and she's mostly just slept." It was like my heart was being strangled. I realised Bee and I had changed our phone numbers and not updated the school yet. I hadn't believed her and I'd promised I'd come. All day long she would have waited for me and I never did. I remember that feeling from my own childhood. I could feel myself beginning to cry in the classroom as I apologised over and over and scooped Alba up in my arms. She was so hot and heavy. In that moment I felt like I was deep underwater. She slept more in her carseat and I cried on the drive home. I carried her inside and made a bed on the living room floor. I gave her her favourite stuffed teddy and kissed her forehead. She wasn't even mad at me, she just told me she loved me and gave me a little smile. I felt more than ever that being a parent is truly like having your heart exist outside of your body. I won't lie. It's the most pain I've ever felt, but it's the most love too. πŸ’”β€οΈ
26/31 - Caught me some wild children by the river yesterday. 🐊 Being with these happy muddy kids while Alba refused to get dirty, reminded me of how I used to be. Always the girl with her head buried in a book somewhere quiet, cringing at the thought of sand on my bare feet, let alone mud. Parenting is difficult. I feel this great desire to push Alba toward all the things I think are good for her, but she is her own person with her own mind. Often I just have to let go and remember that little bookworm who would have hated if her mother dragged her out into the mud. The little girl who was underestimated.
24/31 - I've been wanting to share this for a long time. This pendant is filled with my brother's ashes. Our mum works with glass and makes the most incredible things. She made pendants with his ash for everyone who deeply loved him. She's a pretty wonderful human. Now he's never very far away. She even does commissions sometimes. If you've lost someone close, you might be able to get a pendant too - impopia@gmail.com ✨
22/31 - I used to dream about packing lunch boxes once upon a time. #plantbased #plantlove πŸŒ±πŸ‰πŸ₯‘πŸ“
20/31 - It's raining most days and the trees outside are bursting with green. Sometimes I feel obsessed by the loose strings, the missed connections, the paths I didn't walk. I speak to my friend until midnight and he says, "I wish I could see all the alternate ways things could be", and I say I wish I could live them all. There's this song Klara wrote that goes, 'there's so many lives that I could lead.' And I think of that line a lot. Sometimes I feel stuck. Other times I know it's all perspective. I have this urge to wring from life all the colour and feeling and depth. To wear my heart on my sleeve, to taste the rain, to love too many people, to cry in the cinema, to throw my phone into the sea, to write all night long. Several people have mentioned my break up as a 'plot twist' which makes me laugh. Through writing about my life it has become a kind of novel, which is reassuring when I imagine the new chapter waiting behind the goodbyes.
18/31 - Best friends, Indie & Millie. πŸŽ₯πŸ‘­
16/31 - I'm heading to the city for the weekend to shoot a film project so today I made a thousand phone calls, organised a million things and packed my backpack. In my years of travelling I've always loved packing. Even when I spent years living out of a suitcase. I have this geeky project called 'ever packed' where I have a backpack (short trips) and a little suitcase (long trips) always packed and ready to go. I'm still perfecting it, but I can pack so quickly now. Since I always get lots of questions, here's everything that's going into my backpack for this trip. My Macbook Pro, my volt planner (to keep me organised), a mini moleskin (to capture ideas), a blue pouch with my cords, batteries + SD cards, a mushroom pouch with my toiletries, wireless headphones, my iphone, my beloved kindle, a clothes pouch, my camera + another lens and my water bottle. Not pictured: My wallet, oops. Probably need that one. πŸ™ˆ
15/31 - 'I saw that my life was a vast glowing empty page and I could do anything I wanted.' β€”Jack Kerouac. Photo by @chrisbeecroft
12/31 - Today I couldn't figure out what to photograph. So I photographed me. 🌸⚑️
11/31 - Sometimes families are made, not inherited. πŸ’–
9/31 A pink bath. I'm a little behind on my photo a day. Yesterday was quite a day. In the morning I was stand up paddling boarding on a peaceful lake with @gregariouspeach. The water was so blue and there were trees as far as we could see. I was pretending to be a yoga instructor and as we did yoga on our boards we just kept floating away from each other, giggling. We dove into the warm water and everything was glorious. Later I was skyping with my directing agent in LA. She's forever pitching me jobs and I'm forever turning them down because of Alba or because it requires posting on my social media (which I don't feel good about). But finally she pitched me something quite big and wonderful. And even though I'm about to move, I'm pretty nervous about whether I can pull it off and it's a really short deadline, I said yes. Then my excitement turned to dread when I saw missed calls from Bee and found out he was in the hospital with an inflamed appendix. I got Alba out of school early (watching with a bursting heart as her classmates wrapped her in a group hug) and raced home to clean the house for people to come look (wishing all the while I could be with Bee in the hospital). Several people walked through our home and I tried not to think of them living here. It's still too painful. I cooked us mushroom risotto, pouring white wine in and thinking of all the bottles I had to throw out because I never drank them. So I poured myself a glass, which turned into four. Which was stupid because I don't drink very often. Bee came home and I made us a bed on the living room floor where we all watched Cosmos and cuddled. Alba was so enthralled with the idea of planets and exploding stars and galaxies. Then Alba was asleep in bed and I was throwing up, cursing myself. Bee was shaking his head laughing and saying, "I'm supposed to be the sick one." I wondered what the point of wine was anyway and how I'm still capable of being such an idiot at 24. Maybe it has something to do with reading 'The Girl on the Train' at the moment. I fell into a dreamless sleep.
I'm casting for 3 sets of close friends in Brisbane or the Sunshine Coast aged between 15-19 for a small film project I'm directing next week. There’s no acting involved but you should be able to be you in front of a camera. πŸ’πŸΌπŸ“· We'll only be shooting for 3-4 hours and it's PAID! I can't say too much yet, but it's a really beautiful project on friendship and love. If that is you (and you have yours and your friend's parent's permission - if you need) email me photos, your instagram handles (if you have insta) and a little about your friendship. hellonirrimi@gmail.com πŸ‘―βœ¨πŸ’ž
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