in some ways it’s a strange thing to still be living beside this boy. i’m not quite sure what to call him; ex boyfriend comes with negative connotations, housemate sounds ridiculous and lover is too confusing to others. i’ve settled on best friend.
he’s the human i come to when i’m hurt or scared or anxious. the one who already knows even the tiniest pieces of me, so he can easily lay them back in place when i fall apart. he’s the boy whose dreams i hear in the mornings, whose songs get stuck in my head, who drinks all the rice milk and whispers in my ear that we should definitely watch another episode of atlanta.
the hardest part is telling people. it’s so awkward when we’re all together as a family and questions come up that i can’t avoid and i have to say, ‘well, funny story really…’ how funny this need of humans to create labels to understand the world, sometimes it works and sometimes these labels box us in and make us even more misunderstood. recently i tried to explain it to someone who was quick to judge and i felt so much like a failure that i left to cry (i'm a bit sensitive.
) but i’m not a failure. it feels like this is where his path veers off a little from ours and i am grateful that our paths ever joined. in any case, this isn't where our story ends.
friends ask if it hurts. well, sometimes it’s like ripping off a bandaid really slowly. so slowly that mostly i don’t notice any pain at all. but there’s sharp moments. moments of, ‘oh but if only we’d done this,’ and ‘but couldn’t we just?’ hopes and dreams and bright sparkling love remembered with an ache. but mostly i’m happy to still have his cuddles and dorky dance moves around.
i suppose it’s just another strange circumstance i’m finding myself in, like there’s some eccentric playwright out there penning all the twists and turns in my life. good thing too, my writing might be a lot more boring otherwise.
you just gotta trust in this life and know that whatever happens, it’s all working out (even when it doesn’t feel like it, ESPECIALLY when it doesn’t feel like it.) forget all the 'rules' and follow your heart. that's what i do anyway.